a blank

not listening to heart & soul is always an option..after a while, just like dreams they stop talking to you too n there comes a state where mind gets stuck, words get lost & one feels blank..!

just a friend !!

...waking up from the sleep was always difficult for me but this time it felt very uneasy. I didn't remember if I had a bad dream or was I just too tired. Slowly I tried to move the fingers, everything felt sore, may be I was about to fall sick. Oh I could not afford to get sick. With difficulty, I opened my eyes. It felt so bright. I slowly got up from the bed. The surroundings looked familiar but no it wasn't my home. I tried to peep through the window. The street outside, yes I knew this one, since forever. It was my grand-mom's home and this street I have played in all during my childhood days. Suddenly somebody opened the door. I turned and saw her standing there, firm. I knew her. She was a friend. I asked her how did I get here. She did not answer, just asked me to go to bed again. She seemed upset to see me walking around. But no I didn't want to be here. I could sense there was something wrong. I had to go, I was feeling sick here. I struggled against her to move out of the room. I was feeling so weak. There were all kind of voices I could hear. Just then I saw him there, coming towards me. She let me go to him. I hugged him, it seemed so long since I met him. I hurriedly started telling him that she was keeping me here, that she was being mean to me, and I thought she was a friend.

"yes she is, she is taking care of you since all these years when you were asleep" was all that he said to me. I could not believe a word.....!!

.........and I woke up from the sleep once again. This time for real. Yes, I could believe what he told me. I never realized she was indeed taking care of me since all these years. Life has always put us together in different places. She has always been nice to me. She has always been just a friend, never a special friend, never a best friend, but unlike some, her friendship never came with an expiry date,. It was indeed forever. Sometimes dreams teach lessons...!

dream diaries !!

.....the train was about to start. I entered the first car with all my bags n started walking through the crowd. As i passed, I could recognize many faces. I din't remember those names, but I was sure I knew all those people; at some point of time. I felt each car and the people sitting there denoted an era. I couldn't believe I was seeing those long lost faces and some who were always part of my most cherished memories. I kept walking and listening to some weird voices. I couldn't understand a thing. There were different moods, happiness, fear, silence, loud noises. No-one paid attention to me. I felt as if they could not see me. I reached the last car and saw my name written there. I put in all my luggage and got settled. I wondered why did they decide to put me in place where I did not know anyone. There were a few kids playing there, they could see me. They told me their names and went back to play. They came back, asked me if I had anything to eat. I gave them food. They left again.

I was really missing my family, my friends. I wished someone I knew would come sit with me. I asked the kids if they could pass the message along the cabins that I was here. I was sure someone 'd come if they knew I was here.

Yes, he did, he did come. I became so happy...But then the big guy came. He told him that he had to go back, back to his place, as he didn't belong here. After all there was a place for every one. I couldn't do a thing....n I turned n started looking through the window. I always loved doing that when I was with him....

feeling loved

..was a very long tiring day. I was filled with dust head to toe. As soon as I reached home the little one jumped over me with all the joy of seeing me after a long day. I was happy to see him too but was too tired too stressed. I din't remember when last time I felt this exhausted, physically and mentally. Not just exhausted I think I was too sad too. I gave him a smile and a hug. And then went straight to the wash room to get cleaned up. My face was all covered with foam when I heard him trying to rotate the door nob. Next I saw a  little hand coming inside, trying to reach mumma. I opened the door. Just to hide how I felt, I guess, I kept splashing my face with water little longer and I think he kept looking towards me. And then,

He: mumma, are you okay?

Me: yeah

He: mumma, can i tell you something?

Me: yeah

He: i think i really love your eyes

Me: really, why

He: umm, because they look so pretty to me

oh my, did anybody ever told me that..I looked towards him...and then the love that I saw in his eyes for me, I am not sure if I ever be able to put that in words..and I thought wasn't I still the most blessed soul, yes I was, I am; I could not thank God enough for that...:)

i pray for myself !!

.......i switched off the lights and laid down beside my little one to tuck him to sleep. we did our little prayer together. he gave me his daily ritual hug and we started our little talks.

he: i love u mumma 

me: i love you too..

he: i love u infinity mumma 

me: aw..i love you too my baby

he: mum-mah, i am not a baby, i m big boy 

me: u ll always be my baby..

he: even when i m 5 years old

me: yes

he: even when i m 10 years old

me: yeah

he: even when i m 20 years old

me: yeah

he: even when i m 30 years old

me: umm i may not be there then 

he: why

me: i may die by then

he: what does die mean

me: it means mumma ll become a star

he: u mean u won't be here

me: yeah, i won't be here, but i ll be, i ll be like a picture, you can still talk to my picture

he: okay..

n he slept and i was sure he started weaving all those super dreams with super why and super man..

i as usual was too tired too stressed but not sleepy. i got up, went to the kitchen, made myself a cup of tea..

i sat in my patio, it was too cold, i could barely see a few stars and the little moon-light coming far from the end...i think i was lost in my troubled thoughts when i heard him..i went inside and realized he was crying in sleep, i held him in my lap and tried to wake him up so he can come out of that bad dream and feel better.

he woke up, hugged me tight and said

he: mumma, i don't want you to ever become a star, even when i turn million years old. i want you around me all the time

me: oh my baby, sure, i promise u, i ll always be with u, for-ever. 

once again, i hugged him tight, started running my fingers through his hair until he slept..

& i said my prayer to God, first one for myself

me: oh dear God, please bless me to live healthy till my son needs me..!!

& i don't know when i fell asleep & peacefully this time..

rain n me

u are the one who never fail
to touch my heart
n brighten up my soul
my love for u
..is gonna last forever..!

song of the day: boondan boondan

ur lil one's prayer !

..you taught me to stay guarded 

..you taught me not to seek no-one's sympathy

..you taught me to deal it your-self

..n all these years, i never realized it could be so heavy a load to bear

m loosing it again, come save me my angel